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This is the file of one liners for the BYE program. The format for
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This file contains material from the following copyrighted publications:
"The Devil's Dictionary", Ambrose Bierce. Doubleday publishers
"Tell Me a Joke", Platt&Munk Publishers
Next 3 via Readers' Digest_______________:
Camden Country, Ga., Tribune_______
"Field Newspaper Syndicate"
Annison, Ala., Star____
"A History Of Western Philosophy", by Bertrand Russell
"Godel's Proof", by Newman & Nagel
"Dune", Frank Herbert
"The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary", Ambrose Bierce & Ernest Hopkins.
"Thoughts to Live By", by Maxwell Maltz, M.D.
"The Thurber Carnival"
"The Unexpurgated Code", J. P. Donleavy
"The Education of Henry Adams"
"The New Yorker", 10 January 1977
T_h_e_ P_e_o_p_l_e_, Y_e_s_, Carl Sandburg
Collected Poems: Not so Deep as a Well, Dorothy Parker
Should you ever see this as a fortune it is a bug, tough luck.
It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
really needed in the first place.
I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
analogous to the above.
-- Kenneth E. Iverson
commenting on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software
design would be accurate.
-- Kenneth E. Iverson
Famous last words:
We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is
a lot of relatives on the train for home.
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that
balances are correct.
-- from "Manual of Muad'Dib"
by the Princess Irulan
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Children should be seen, not heard.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the
mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of
the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
-- Bene Gesserit proverb
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; beyond
this they have not legitimacy.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk
By definition, when you are investigating the unknown, you do
not know what you will find or even when you have found it.
The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50%
of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a
correspondence with theory.
XX ITS 1192 console 897 free 13:57:900
host broke the connection - sucker!
Please do not type quite so loudly. The person sitting to your
left is a spy.
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
No experiment is ever a complete failure, inasmuch as a
well-written account of it can serve admirably as a bad example.
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the
Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
A bird in the hand is worth ten in the bush.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all.
The plural of spouse is spice.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known
Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods
while the police officer searches you.
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will
take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
First draw the curves; then plot the data.
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than an
I am a computer. As such I never have or will make a mistake
or error (I thought i did once, but I was wrong).
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law;
and every time they make a law it's a joke.
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the
It got to a point where I had to get a haircut
or both feet firmly planted in the air.
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
There is hardly a thing in the world that someone cannot make a little
worse and sell a little cheaper.
Et tu, AV?
"Don't quote me, but business sucks."
How often it is that the angry woman rages denial
of what her inner self is telling her.
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
I hope I don't get run over again.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the
machine, or the person who operates it.
A soft drink turneth away company.
There is no time like the pleasant.
"Elegance and truth are inversely related." -- Becker's Razor
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at Smith
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is
done by children.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers,
so that the pens will multiply instead of disappearing.
A person forgives only when she is in the wrong.
About all some women accomplish in life is to send a daughter to Radcliffe.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
If a loafer is not a nuisance to you, it is a sign that you are
somewhat of a loafer yourself.
Up against the wall!!!
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is having fun.
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too
rich to be a communist.
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in
favor of the plain people is the stork.
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Lisp: To call a spade a thpade.
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to
be aware of it.
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get
up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to
be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
A diplomat is a woman who always remembers a man's birthday but never
remembers his age.
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and
can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to
take you in.
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything on earth to
worry about, she goes off and gets married.
A woman will sometimes devote all her life to the development of one
husband who can't cook and will.
Time and tide wait for no woman, but time always stands still for a
man of thirty.
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
-- Indian proverb
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Women were born to lie, and men to believe them.
Those who in quarrels interpose must often wipe a bloody nose.
Do you think your father and I should have lived comfortably so long
together if ever we had been married?
As soon as you cannot keep anything from a man, you love him.
I give presents to the father, but I think of the son.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last..
I never said all Republicans were saloonkeepers; what I said was all
saloonkeepers were Republicans.
Your latest program has been judged UNTASTEFUL by the T demon
and automatically deleted.
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly.
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
Have you locked your file cabinet?
Security is the individual's responsibility.
Identify your visitor.
Don't gamble with security.
Prevent security leaks.
Security is your responsibility.
An ounce of security is worth a pound of defense.
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
Classified material requires proper storage.
Concentrate on security.
Biggest security gap - an open mouth.
Be careful! Is it classified?
Blame it on the *-Property.
Be security conscious - National defense is at stake.
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
Don't guess - check your security regulations.
Regnant populi. (The people rule.)
Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
Post proelium, praemium. (After the battle, the reward.)
Facta, non verba.
Sum quod eris. (I am what you will be.)
Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.)
Vigilia pretium libertatis. (Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.)
Populus vult decipi. (The people like to be deceived.)
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in
compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Force: "Force is but might," the teacher said--
"That definition's just." The boy said naught but thought instead,
Remembering his pounded head:
"Force is not might but must!"
Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
"Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud."
Philosopy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
You can never trust a man; he may be true to you.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of
life is to enjoy it.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to
know how to lie well.
She is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for
one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've
got to be good.
My husband is the kind of boy who'll not go anywhere without his
father, and his father will go anywhere.
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble is sex.
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire
to change his bed.
A lover is a bottle of wine; a husband is a wine bottle.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but
not well enough to lend to.
'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse.
America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right person.